Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
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My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms