FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
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I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.