Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
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i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.