friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
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I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
one of
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
HELP 😭
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.