Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
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What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.