Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
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Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem