friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
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Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
broke down and did it
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.