Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
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*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.