friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
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Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Clients after you give them your rates
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?