Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
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“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what