Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
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THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”