Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
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When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Otters see a butterfly.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.