Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
You Might Also Like
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?