Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
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I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Accurate
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her