Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
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An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Every haunted house movie:
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement