Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

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The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”


Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car


The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.


I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.


Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.


I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.


[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.


Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.


Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out


ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle