@calluptome The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
@Cornjerker78 Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
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@calluptome 
@squirrel74wkgn Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
@myonlymizztake The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
@MasterOfFury I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
@AmishSuperModel Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
@chuuew I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
@deadstick_ron [egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
@withanewname Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
@junejuly12 Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
@SortaBad ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle