Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
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I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done