Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
You Might Also Like
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)