FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
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Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
this is how life feels
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.