FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
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My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*