Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
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Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Twitter is an abusement park.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Meow
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.