friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
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me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that