Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
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Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
He a real one for that
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise