Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
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My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
the short answer to this question
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
This is me
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*