Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
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date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
How it started How it’s going
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.