@HollyMemphis

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

You Might Also Like

@MedusaOusa

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

@RackOfSteel

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

@imence2

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

@david8hughes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

@sad_tree

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

@FussySaffa

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie

@AndyAsAdjective

The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.