@HollyMemphis
@ArfMeasures Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
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@ArfMeasures 
@MedusaOusa This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
@JimmerThatisAll I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
@RackOfSteel Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
@imence2 9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
@david8hughes [describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
@sad_tree [courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
@squirrel74wkgn Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
@FussySaffa Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
@AndyAsAdjective The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.