friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
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only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall