Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
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Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From