@starbangbandit

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

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@Shade510

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

@venomjunkie2

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

@fillthevacuum

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

@MsLisaM

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

@murrman5

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

@longwall26

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

@trypmry

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

@Ygrene

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

@Crunch11b

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

@Jeffwni

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”