Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
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I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.