friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
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I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Best mom ever 😂
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
just got my engagement photos
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.