Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
You Might Also Like
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
work smarter, not harder
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*