friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
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A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Midwest trash talk
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Can. I. Help. You.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest