FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
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Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
What in the hipster hell is going on here
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.