Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
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I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.