Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
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One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
tell em, edith-anne
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Said the murderer.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat