Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
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I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no