Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
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Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Ugh
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
i think my razor is having a panic attack