Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
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Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand