Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
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the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.