Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
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I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?