Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
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wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.