Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

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Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog


<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife


My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.


I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.


If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.


A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.


JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”


I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”


My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.