@osullivanauthor

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

You Might Also Like

@Mandiatrandom1

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

@caseytduncan

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

@KentWGraham

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

@Bandersnaaatch

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

@RobinSage76

If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.

@Aikiwomannc

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

@KrangTNelson

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

@katiefzack

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

@sofarrsogud

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.