Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
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[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.