[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
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my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen