[friend is showing me around his city]

HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital

ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital

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Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.


*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”


Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party


Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”


Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]


If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?


Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.


55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans