Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
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🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
This 4th of July, please remember…
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.