FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

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ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere


Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.


My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.


So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?


so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?





me: he’s shy.


“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*


My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”


i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either


Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.


In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”