FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
You Might Also Like
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.