FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
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Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.