Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
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Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
My support group can outdrink your support group.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.