FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
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4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.