Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
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me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.