Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
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“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.