Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
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“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward